


Me? I Loved Him

by WhoLivesWhoDiesWhoTellsYourStory



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: ;), Adorable, Fluff, GAY GAY GAY, Gay, I love these dorks, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Sledding, Snowball Fight, Snowmen, Winter, Winter Break, in college i guess, literally just them being really cute and fluffy, no really it's so gay, no seriously just them being cute and fluffy tbh, oh and they're not dating, okay i'm done now, omfg just kiss already, very gay, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-08 12:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6855346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoLivesWhoDiesWhoTellsYourStory/pseuds/WhoLivesWhoDiesWhoTellsYourStory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The cabin was clean-the wood shone, and everything smelled of fresh pine. A fire blazed in the fireplace. The atmosphere could only be described as homey.<br/>“So warm!” Alex said, making an adorable face, causing my heart to flutter.<br/>“Oh, were you cold, princess?” I teased. I carried the suitcase to his room, which made him scream some more and jump up and down because it had its own fireplace and a handmade quilt, not to mention a bay window with a view of the pond. I smiled sadly. Oh, Alex, if you only knew how perfect you are. My heart ached with longing, knowing that we could never be together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alexander, My Beautiful Angel

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something I wrote because I was procrastinating on doing my homework. (Oops) Comments are always appreciated. Pretty much just Hamilton and Lams Trash. Enjoy!

(John's’ POV) 

The cabin was clean-the wood shone, and everything smelled of fresh pine. A fire blazed in the fireplace. The atmosphere could only be described as homey. 

“So warm!” Alex said, making an adorable face, causing my heart to flutter.

“Oh, were you cold, princess?” I teased. I carried the suitcase to his room, which made him scream some more and jump up and down because it had its own fireplace and a handmade quilt, not to mention a bay window with a view of the pond. I smiled sadly. Oh, Alex, if you only knew how perfect you are. My heart ached with longing, knowing that we could never be together.

“It’s so beautiful, and no one lives here. I haven’t seen anyone for miles.”

“Hmm.” I had so many memories of my childhood here with my father. We would come upstate to stay in our little cabin because, I have to be honest here, we are a family of rich assholes. Did Alex like it? All I wanted was for him to like it.

As if in answer to my unspoken question, he said, “I could be happy here forever.” 

“I want you to be happy.”

“I am.” I smiled, and gave a small sigh of relief. 

 

After breakfast, we put on our parkas and boots and went outside. 

“Hey, are you still up for that snowball fight?” I asked him.

“Yes. But can we do something else first?”

“Anything. I’m at your service, sir.” I responded, playfully mocking his formal way of speaking. We both laughed, caught up in the moment. I saw the light catch in his sparkling eyes, and I felt like I was in a movie. 

“I’ve never made a snowman before. Well, I guess I’ve never had anyone to make one with. Can you show me how?” He pulled his scarf up to cover nose and rosy cheeks. Of course! I realized that since he was from Nevis, he had only seen a few real Winters before. I wish I could go behind him and hug him, kissing those soft lips of his to warm him up. We would go inside, to one of our rooms. No one else was here. I was in the middle of nowhere, with Alexander Hamilton as my only companion-not that I was complaining! We could do ~anything~ we wanted to. We could- 

“It’s been a while since I made one too,” I said, clearing the previous thoughts from my head. It was true. I could barely remember a time when I’d had friends this close, if I ever had. “First, you have to make a small snowball and- this is the hard part- you don’t throw it at me.” 

“Alright.” Using his mittens, he packed a snowball from the fluffy white blanket covering the ground. “Oops!” It hit me in the head. 

“I told you that was the hard part.” 

“You were right. I’ll try again.” He packed another snowball-and threw it at me. It hit me square in the chest. “Sorry.” He didn’t look very sorry at all.

“Oh, this is such a war now!” Grinning, I picked up some snow. “I am the world champion snowball fighter.” I threw one at him. 

It ended up deteriorating into an all-out snowball war. (Which I totally won, by the way.) Eventually, Alex made a snowball and handed it to me for the snowman. 

“Perfect,” I said. (I wasn’t just talking about the snowball.) “We’ll be experienced ice sculptors by the time Winter’s over.” But what I wanted to say was I love you. I took a deep breath and continued. A frosty cloud appeared in the air as I exhaled. 

“So now you roll it on the ground to make it bigger,” I said. “Then, when it’s as big as you want, that’s the bottom.” I swear Alex winked at me before rolling it bigger. His face was getting pink and his eyes sparkled, complemented by the green jacket I had bought for him.

“Like this?” He asked me. 

“Yeah.” I confirmed. “ You have to keep changing directions, or else it gets like a jelly roll.” This made him giggle quietly. He obeyed, pushing it around, barely making a dent in the knee-deep snow. When the snowball got to the size of a beach ball, I joined him, pushing shoulder to shoulder.

“We work well together,” he said. I grinned. 

“Yeah.” We changed direction at the same time, until finally the base of our snowman was finished.

“The middle ball is the tricky part,” I told him. “It needs to big enough, but you still have to be able to hoist it up onto the first ball.” 

“Okay.” He smirked up at me. “Good thing I have a lot of practice with balls.” I laughed and rolled my eyes, but only to hide that fact that, God, I hoped it was true. 

 

We made a not-so-perfect but friendly-looking snowman, then a second one, because no one should have to be alone. It was going to be a snow woman, but as Alex put it, “I’m so done with all of this hetero shit.” 

I couldn’t agree more, so we made a boyfriend for our snowman. We went inside to get carrots and other stuff to decorate. As Alex wrapped a ~fabulous~ bright pink scarf around one of the snowmen, he looked at me, eyes wide and head cocked to the side, and said,

“John?” 

Yes, darling? Yes, dear? Yes, my love? But I didn’t say any of those. My words got caught in my throat and for a second, I thought I wouldn’t be able to answer him. After a few long seconds, I managed to squeak out a simple response. 

“Y-Yeah?” 

“Thank you for bringing me here.” 

“It was the least I could do.” But what I wanted to say was, Stay. Stay with me forever, my darling. My love. My /Alex/. You can leave at any time, but stay because you love me. But again, I bit my tongue, again hiding my feelings for him. 

 

That night, I went to bed after saying a quick “g’night” to Alex. I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep knowing that he was in the room just down the hall to mine. All alone. I shuddered, but not from the cold. I didn’t want to be stalker-y, but I just had to see Alex. I stopped debating it in my head, and got up to walk down the hall to his room.

I stepped in, and against the quiet of this snow-draped land where no other humans were for miles, I heard breathing, soft as the snow itself. It was Alex. Alex, sleeping. Honestly, I was surprised that he wasn’t up reading or writing or studying or something. I stood for a moment, afraid to move, not wanting to wake him. And, I would never admit it, but I wanted to watch him sleep. 

It was one of the only times when Alex looked, well, peaceful. Calm. His delicate frame gently rose and fell with every breath. Alex shifted in his bed, and I froze. Had he heard the door open? Had he heard my racing heartbeat? In a way, I wanted him to see me, watching him. But he didn’t. 

His arm reached to pull the covers closer. Although he had told me earlier that he wasn’t cold and would be fine, I could see him shivering. I crept slowly into the hallway and found the linen closet where we kept extra blankets. I selected one and tip-toed back into the room and fluffed it out, so it fell perfectly over his small frame. He snuggled into it. Admittedly, I watched Alex for a long time, the moonlight hitting his soft hair, making it shine like a halo. Oh, Alexander, my beautiful angel…

Eventually, I went back to bed and slept as one can only sleep on a bitter cold night in a toasty warm bed. In the morning, Alex came out of his room holding the extra blanket, a questioning look on his face. He didn’t say anything, but smiled when he saw me.

From that moment on, Alex occupied my every waking moment. (Even more than he already had.) I thought about him from the moment I woke up to the second I went to bed. And once I was asleep, I dreamed about him. After all, now that we were growing closer, anything was possible, wasn’t it? I sure hoped so.


	2. Nothing Could Make Me Happier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ready?” I asked. I could feel his heart beat faster. “Yes.” Oh, my brave little lion. You will never know how much I admire you. I gave the ground a kick and held him tight as we coasted down the hill, giggling like crazy. We came to a crashing stop as the snow no longer let us glide smoothly on top of it. Curious if he had like it, I looked down at Alex. Disheveled and grinning, he looked up at me. “Again?” he asked me playfully. I smiled as I helped him up. We ran back up to the top of the hill, holding the sled together between our entwined fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the fluff. Enjoy. (still John's POV)

We’d been staying at the cabin for about a week when we found the sled. Alex found it one morning, high on a closet shelf. I remember how he ran to get me, to show me the treasure that he had found. 

“Look!”

I looked up. “It’s a sled.” 

“I know! I’ve never had a sled! I’ve only ever read about them.” 

Then he jumped up and down until I pulled it off of the shelf for him. We both scanned it. It was a large sled, consisting of light, polished wood and almost new used metal runners. 

“It must be so magical, racing down a hill like that. I can’t wait to try it with you!” 

I smiled, savoring the thought. We’d made an army of snowmen (“Snowpeople,” Alex corrected me) in the past few days. Just the day before, I’d woken up early to clear a section of pond so we could go ice skating. Alex had come outside, hours later, to find me still at it with my shovel. Pond clearing was hard work. But it was worth it when he exclaimed, “Skating on a pond! Oh, that sounds wonderful!” and when I looked at his excited smile, I knew exactly how he felt. His eyes sparkled, lighting up his whole face. 

Now I stared at the sled, remembering. My father had bought it when I was little, five or maybe six. It was the kind that could fit more than one person on it. That was the day that my father took me to the big sledding hill for the first time. None of my siblings came. I’d stood at the top of a seemingly endless hill, afraid to go down on my own. The hill was far enough from our cabin that other people sometimes visited, too. It was a weekend, so some other boys were sledding. They would go down headfirst, racing each other to the bottom of the hill. I also saw father and son. The father positioned himself on the sled, then let his son sit in front of him and wrapped his arms around him. 

“Can you go with me?” I’d asked my father.

“John, it’s no big deal. Look. Those other boys are doing it on their own.” 

“But...but they’re big boys.” I wondered why Henry Lauren's had brought me if he didn’t want to sled. Thinking back on it now, I knew I had been naive for my curiosity. 

“And you’re better, stronger. You can do anything they can do.” He started to put me on the sled, and I began to cry. The other kids were staring. Father said that it was because I was being such a baby, but I knew even then that it was out of pity, and I refused to go alone. Finally, my father offered one of the older boys five dollars to go with me. After the first time down the hill, I was fine. I looked at Alex, softly shaking my head to clear the memories. I hadn’t been on a sled in years. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself and forget about my father. An icey cloud filled the bitter Winter air as I exhaled. 

I patted the sled. “Get dressed. We’ll go right now.” 

“Will you show me how?” My breath hitched for a second, but I caught myself before Alex noticed. 

“Of course. Nothing could make me happier.” Nothing could make me happier. And it was true. Nothing could make me happier than the idea of standing with Alex at the top of the snow-covered hill, helping him onto a sled and maybe-if he let me-sledding down with him. He stood, still in his pajamas, admiring the sled. 

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go!” 

 

About twenty minutes later, we were at the top of that same hill where I’d gone with my father. Alex stood in his emerald green coat, shivering from the cold. I wanted more than anything to go up to him and give him a big hug. To warm him up and shelter him from the stinging wind. To be his blanket. His coat. I wanted to cover him with my warmth. Cover him with a thousand sweet kisses. But I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I showed him how to position himself, face first on the sled. 

“This is the most fun way.” I told him.

“Maybe. However, it looks as though it may be a little... frightening.” He spoke slower than usual, clearly intimidated by my courageous nature. Well, brave facade. I had to stop myself from giggling. Alexander Hamilton, essentially at a loss for words. My chest swelled with pride at the small accomplishment. My love for this little dork increased as my heart longed for a more intimate relationship with him, although I don’t know if I would’ve admitted it at the time. 

“Do you want me to go with you?” I bit my lip and held my breath as I waited for Alex to respond. If he said yes, and I went with him, he would have to let me put my arms around him. There was no other way. Shit. Why did I even ask? Why would he want to go with me? Why-

“Yes.” His frosty breath hit the air as his face broke into a smile. “Please.” 

I breathed, relieved. “Okay.” I pushed the sled to the last flat place before the hill began to slope downward, then sat on it. I motioned for him to sit in front of me. I wrapped my arms lightly around his stomach and waited to see if he would tense up or try to get up and leave. He didn’t. Instead, he snuggled more tightly against me. In that moment, I wanted to kiss him, like he might just let me. I almost did. Almost. Knowing it would never happen, I shook the idea from my thoughts. 

“You’re in front, so you navigate” I told him. With my nose, I felt the softness of his hair. It smelled like a mix of the grapefruit-lavender shampoo he used and a scent that could only be described as Alex. Through his jacket, I could feel Hamilton’s heartbeat. It made me happy to know that he really was alive, was real, was there with me. 

“Ready?” I asked.

I could feel his heart beat faster. “Yes.” Oh, my brave little lion. You will never know how much I admire you. I gave the ground a kick and held him tight as we coasted down the hill, giggling like crazy. We came to a crashing stop as the snow no longer let us glide smoothly on top of it. Curious if he had like it, I looked down at Alex. Disheveled and grinning, he looked up at me. “Again?” he asked me playfully. I smiled as I helped him up. We ran back up to the top of the hill, holding the sled together between our entwined fingers. 

 

That night, I built a fire. I had chosen soft pine wood for kindling and cut it into small strips. These I placed on some sheets of newspaper, and I placed a sturdy log on top of those. I lit a match to the paper and watched as it all caught fire. I stood for a moment, watching it burn, disappearing in front of my eyes, then took a seat beside Alex on the sofa. The day before, I might have sat at the other end, as far as I could be but wanting more. Now, I had my arms wrapped around him. Building up the courage inside of me, I scooted up right next to Alex, then waited to see if he’d complain. He didn’t. 

“It’s beautiful.” Alex said softly. “A winter snow and a blazing fire. I’ve never had a real fire in a fireplace before I met you.” 

“Especially for you, m’lady.” I confidently tried the nickname, instantly regretting my decision to do so. A light blush dusted his face. I inched closer when I saw him smile at the name. 

“It’s so quiet. Like silence, but not really silent. I’ve never been anyplace so still. I’ve never liked the quiet before. It’s not just the noise, though. Everything is still. Time seems to stop when I’m with you.” My heart raced as his gaze lingered on my face. I decided not to acknowledge his comment. He turned around and knelt on the sofa to look out the window. “And it’s dark. I bet you can see every star in the world here. Look!” 

I turned too and got closer than before. “It’s beautiful. I think I could live here forever and never miss the city.” 

“Yeah, almost as beautiful as you. Your face is covered with constellations. I love your freckles, John.” I blinked, not believing what I just heard. 

“W-What?” I stared at Alex, dumbfounded. His eyes went huge as his face turned a deep crimson. 

“Umm, nothing.” He turned away from me, embarrassed. We sat there, staring up at the stars for a few long moments, before I broke the silence. 

“Alex?”

“Hmm?” I asked him the question that had been burning in the back of my mind. I suspected that I was just being paranoid, but I had to know his answer for sure. 

“Do you...You don’t...uh, you don’t hate me, do you, Alex?” 

“What?” Congratulations, John. You managed to confront your insecurities and the love of your life with the same question. If Alex didn’t hate me before, he sure did now. I had just ruined our entire friendship, and anything I had hoped to have with him in the future. Fuck. 

“Well, I was just wondering and-” 

“No, of course not! Why would I hate you? In some ways, I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. As you may know, my life has always been a struggle.” To my surprise, he didn’t move away from me on the sofa. “My father left before he could take care of me. My mother died with me in her arms. We were sick.” He looked down, a pained expression on his face. “Sometimes I still wish that it was me who...” He took a deep breath, then looked back at me. “We scrounged for money since I was a child. Before she died, my mother told me that I was smart and that education was a way out of my life. So I worked and struggled at that too. I picked up a pen, I wrote my own deliverance. I wrote my way out. I finally got to America. And I’m so glad I did. Of course I still regret my father leaving, my mother dying, my cousin’s suicide, the hurricane...but those events led me to where I am now. And if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t know you.” He smiled, nuzzling into my chest. I was at a loss for words. Fortunately, Alex never is. “I couldn’t be happier.” 

“Thank goodness.” It was hard to speak and hold my breath at the same time.

“But here, with you, it’s the first time that I’ve really felt..free.” I smiled. The hardwood in the fireplace began to catch fire. I’d succeeded-in my attempts with both the fire and with Alex. 

“So you really are happy, then?” I bit my lip. I know he had just said that he was, but I had to be sure. 

“Very.” He sighed contently, leaning into me. All of my doubts dissolved and I could feel Alex’s pressure on me gradually increasing as he drifted into sleep. I placed a kiss on his forehead. Goodnight, my love. Not to long after, we were both asleep, leaning on each other in front of the dwindling fire. The moonlight shone through the window as my droopy eyelids got heavier and my mind went blank, save for thoughts of Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helpful and kind critiques are great and if you have any ideas, come talk to me. My tumblr is: @theatredragon  
> Thanks for reading! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I'll continue this at all yet, I just wanted to write some Lams fluff. Let me know what you think. Helpful and kind critiques are great and if you have any ideas, come talk to me. My tumblr is: @theatredragon  
> Thanks for reading!<3


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